Unintelligent Neanderthals In Transit
by kesdax
Summary: Osgood gets a job offer.


**A/N: **Part 1 of my UNIT series

* * *

"What does U.N.I.T. stand for anyway?" Osgood wondered absently.

Ben shrugged. "Unrestricted network inside toilets?" he suggested, wiggling his eyebrows.

Osgood rolled her eyes. Ben might have been her best friend since the first day of uni, but he could be a right idiot at times.

"How about… Unintelligent… Neanderthals…"

"In transit?" Osgood finished.

Ben grinned. "Sounds alright to me…"

* * *

"A job?" Osgood repeatedly stupidly. "You're offering me a job?"

"Yes," said the older blonde woman slowly, as if she were talking to a small child and not someone with two PhDs and an IQ of 140.

"Okay," Osgood said. "What is it? What's the job?"

"I can't tell you that specifically," the older woman clarified. "Just that you'll be working for UNIT's science division."

"What, under you?" asked Osgood, realising too late how that must have sounded. She could feel her cheeks tinging red but the other woman didn't bat an eyelid at the comment.

Osgood wondered belatedly if this was some sort of practical joke, with her at the centre, oblivious as usual. She reached absently for her inhaler and took a deep breath.

"I can't tell you more than that until you sign the non-disclosure agreement."

Oh, right. That.

It was in the brown envelope she had been given earlier, U.N.I.T. CONFIDENTIAL stamped on the front. Osgood took out the form, the words 'Official Secrets Act' on the top sending a chill through her body. She wasn't used to this cloak and dagger stuff. It freaked her out a little, if she were honest.

"Think about it," said the older woman. "And call when you've made up your mind. The number's in the envelope."

"Wait!" Osgood called, before the other woman could leave. "What did you say your name was again?"

"Kate," said the woman, "Kate Stewart."

* * *

"So, are you going to take the job then?" Ben asked, plopping their latest round of drinks onto the rickety table.

"Would you?" asked Osgood.

"Dunno," said Ben seriously. "How much are they paying you?"

She flicked a peanut at him and rolled her eyes. "Is that all you ever think about?"

"Hey, we both know money gets the chicks," he said nonchalantly.

"I don't like this Official Secrets Act stuff," Osgood remarked.

"That's the best bit," said Ben. "You could be the next James Bond for all we know."

Osgood raised an eyebrow.

"Osgood," said Ben in his best Sean Connery voice, "Doctor Osgood."

"More likely the next Agent Q," she said.

"But 007 _always_ gets the girl!" Ben protested.

* * *

"I'm not saying I'll take the job," Osgood stammered, "but I'm not saying I'm not taking the job…"

She trailed off at the silence from the other end of the phone. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to make this phone call after having five pints with Ben.

"I just need more information," said Osgood reasonably, careful to take the slur out of her voice.

More silence.

"Hello?"

"Meet me at the corner of Hanson Street. I'll be there in fifteen minutes."

It was not until after she had been staring at the phone in her hand for a good few minutes before she realised that Hanson Street was just around the corner from the pub she was currently sitting in.

* * *

"I think you should make the call," said Ben, peering at her from behind alcohol-induced heavy-lidded eyes. "I _dare_ you to make the call."

"No."

"Why not?" said Ben, affronted.

"I'm not calling up some woman at…" She paused to check her watch. "Nine o'clock on a Tuesday night to ask about a job."

"Ooooh, a woman," sang Ben, interest piqued. "You never said it was a woman."

"Shut up."

"Go on, do it," nagged Ben, "you know you want to."

"Fine," Osgood sighed. "But when this all goes tits up, I'm blaming you."

* * *

Osgood wasn't expecting the dark BMW that pulled up alongside the pavement, its windows darkened and mysterious so you couldn't see the person within. Definitely cloak and dagger stuff.

The back window rolled down ominously and Kate Stewart's head peered out.

"You planning on standing out in the rain all night or are you getting in?"

"Oh, right...um," said Osgood clumsily and hopped into the back seat. The plush leather squelched unpleasantly underneath her, causing Osgood to blush furiously.

Kate leaned forward to speak to the driver. "Take us to the tower."

"So, um, look," Osgood began awkwardly to fill the silence. "When I called I didn't mean for you to actually drive all the way out here."

"You don't have to talk," said Kate and rapidly began to tap on her iPhone.

"Oh, okay," said Osgood and shut up.

* * *

"The tower of London," said Kate as Osgood clambered out of the car and hurried to follow her. "UNIT has a base underneath, has done for quite some time."

An underground base? Definitely spook territory then.

"What exactly does U.N.I.T. stand for?" Osgood asked.

"Unified intelligence task force," said Kate. "It used to be the united nations but we dropped the name a few years back after a bit of scandal broke out – can't tell you the details, sorry. Classified."

"Huh," said Osgood. "I thought it stood for something else…"

Kate raised an eyebrow but didn't comment.

"And what exactly does this unified task force do?" Osgood asked.

"We're a military organisation slash intelligence agency dealing primarily with extra-terrestrial threats."

"You mean aliens?" Osgood scoffed.

"Yes," said Kate, deadly serious.

"But..._what_!" exclaimed Osgood as she hurried to follow the other woman into an elevator.

This was definitely a joke, right?

"Okay, so say I believe you about the whole alien thing... I'm not saying I do, mind you, but what could you possibly want me for if this is a military organisation?"

"I find," said Kate, "that in order to find the truth in the unknown, science leads the way." She pushed the button to go down and the lift lurched ominously causing Osgood's stomach to churn unpleasantly with all that beer she had unwittingly drank. "And someone like you with a PhD in astrophysics and another in molecular biology… you'll come in very handy."

"And that's what you do? You lead the science division?"

"Yes," said Kate. "It took some doing and a lot of time and patience but I finally got the boys with their toys to listen."

She led Osgood out of the lift and round so many corridors that Osgood lost track, and finally down a stone flight of steps.

"This is us," Kate said.

Osgood tried not to gasp at the odd combination of gothic architecture combined with hi-tech computer equipment. "This place is amazing," Osgood breathed.

"I like to think so." Kate smiled. "Some introductions, I think," said Kate. "That over there is Malcolm. He likes physics and other things but mostly he just looks after the ravens."

"Ravens?" Osgood mouthed.

"Say hello, Malcolm."

"Hello Malcolm," the man replied.

"This is Osgood; she'll be joining us soon."

"I haven't taken the job yet," Osgood interjected.

"Good," said Malcolm. "I wouldn't. The pay's rubbish and the hours are ungodly."

"Don't mind Malcolm, he's been cranky ever since we cut off his chocolate supply - too many sugar rushes."

Osgood waved Malcolm goodbye as they moved on, but he'd already turned back to his work, ignoring them both completely.

"Through there is Doctor Martha Jones." Kate pointed to what looked like a small infirmary. "She used to work for us full time until she went freelance a few years ago. Been trying to get her back ever since but she's having none of it."

"Look, Doctor Stewart, this is great and all, but I'm still not really sure what I'm doing here."

"You were recommended."

"What?"

"Come on, one more person I'd like you to meet." Kate led them through to a sparkling white lab that looked out of place in the old building, like it didn't quite fit in.

"Doctor McGillop I believe you already know…"

"_Ben_?"

"I'll take it from here, ma'am," said Ben. "Come on, Oz, I'll give you the grand tour."

Osgood was too shocked to even note the annoying nickname.

"Very well; I'll be in my office if you need me."

"Oh my god," said Osgood when they were alone. "What the hell is going on?"

Ben grinned. "Welcome to UNIT."

* * *

"I thought you worked in a hospital lab?" said Osgood, staring at her best friend dumbfounded, and completely ignoring the tour he was giving her.

"I did," said Ben simply. "For about two days."

"But," said Osgood, thoroughly confused, "why did you never tell me?"

"Official Secrets Act, love. Sorry," he added.

"This is insane."

"Yup," Ben agreed, "and it's only about to get worse."

He stopped them outside of a big heavy looking metal door that reminded her of a bank vault and punched a code into the keypad on the side.

"This is the mini-van – where we keep all the nasty alien stuff before it gets transferred to the black archives downstairs."

_This place goes _deeper _underground?_ Osgood thought dazedly.

"Mini-van?"

Ben shrugged. "Private joke - Malcolm and I got bored one night. Anyway, never mind that, come check this out."

He led her towards the back of the vault - it was unmistakably a vault, if only a small one - and stopped in front of a glass bell jar like the one out of the Beauty and the Beast cartoon. Inside, a purple light dizzied about wildly, bouncing off the glass walls.

"What is it?" Osgood whispered.

"No idea," said Ben. "We're still running tests but we think it might be some sort of organic probe."

"_That's_ a probe?"

"Maybe," said Ben. "Probably."

"And this," he said, pulling her away from the transfixing light and towards a shelf on the left. He tossed her a heavy looking gunmetal box that, despite its appearance was actually as light as a feather.

"What's this then?"

"Data drive from a Sontaran battle cruiser. Essentially an external hard drive," Ben explained.

"What's on it?" Osgood asked in wonder.

"No idea," said Ben, "it's in an alien language."

"You guys don't know very much, do you?"

"Why do you think we hired you?"

"I haven't taken the job yet," said Osgood.

"But you're going to," Ben countered.

"Says who?"

"That look on your face."

* * *

Osgood knocked timidly in Kate Stewart's office door. "Can I come in?"

"Of course," said Kate.

"Look, I don't know what Ben told you, but I'm really, _really,_ not right for this job."

"Doctor McGillop only recommended you," said Kate, "but your file spoke for itself."

"Wait," said Osgood, "I have a file?"

"Yes," said Kate

Osgood shook her head.

"I won't fit in here," she said honestly. Thinking of Ben's easy going nature and the way Kate gracefully held herself. Compared to Osgood's clumsy nature and her predisposal to asthma attacks - she was a disaster waiting to happen.

"Neither does Malcolm," said Kate, "but we manage."

"I've not even had an interview yet."

"Yes," said Kate slowly, "that was supposed to be Ben' job. But I have to admit, the pub is not where I would normally conduct interviews for new employees for a secret organisation."

Righhhhht. That explained a lot.

"As I said, think about it. Sleep on it for a few days. Take my card and call me when you've made up your mind. "

Osgood took the card wordlessly and left the office only to come crashing back in ten seconds later. Kate looked a little frustrated at being interrupted from her work once again but smiled up at Osgood all the same.

"Okay I thought about," said Osgood. "A lot. And I don't think I need to sleep on it. I'll take the job. I'd be crazy not to, wouldn't I?"

"Yes," said Kate, "you would."

* * *

"Whoo, this is going to be great!" Ben exclaimed. "You and me solving space alien crimes."

"I can't believe you thought that would be a good way to conduct a job interview," Osgood scolded. They were on their seventh pint for the evening and one fish and chips supper each.

"What?" said Ben innocently. "Beer and a discussion about James bond - how is that not a good interview?"

Osgood rolled her eyes and popped a tomato ketchup covered chip into her mouth.

"So," said Ben casually, "how do you like your new boss?"

Osgood shrugged. "She seemed ... nice?"

"Nice?" Ben scoffed. "You fancy her don't you?"

"Shut up," said Osgood. "I do not"

"Liar," said Ben. "Well, we'll find out for sure on Monday, wont we?" Ben said and winked.


End file.
